Shadowscape
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May 22nd, 2009
02:39 pm

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Haven't forgotten, won't forget.

Think I've finally started to live by the lessons you taught me, though.

 

November 14th, 2008
02:35 pm - 23

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"The moon doesn't shine some nights, and on those nights the stars shine brightest."

Happy birthday, Chrissy.

(Music can be found here.)

Current Music: Nothing Smells Like You - Christina DaSilva Bussey [Twelfth Night]

 

May 22nd, 2008
07:20 pm - STOP WAITING

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(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

November 14th, 2007
03:23 am - ...Et Nos Mutamur In Illis

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I know I haven't updated in months, and am probably expected to have some giant, 5000 word summary entry.

If that's the case, this one's going to be a disappointment (or a blessing, depending on the view). In summary, I've been busy as all fuck since classes started up, and I let myself slide back into politics; my fault, 100%.

I forget what sleep is like... and today's date is not lost on me, either. I've got a visit to make tonight.

The only real thing of note, over these past few months?

I used to see myself as a good person. I made mistakes here and there, but we all do. Underneath it all, though, I knew I always meant well and would endeavour to minimize the damage that I might have ever caused.

Now... not so much. That "infinite compassion" thing? Doesn't work so well without recipients. Apparently empathy can atrophy and die; who knew?

And you know what worries me most? While I do wax nostalgic for the days when I could depend on my moral code, and felt resolute in my direction... it's the appeal of the freedom in this amoral ambiguity that takes the spotlight. I might think well of when I was "the nice guy"... but I don't know if I could honestly say I miss it anymore. For the first time in my life, I have the conviction to actually hammer those things that hurt me. And to be frank... after years of self-martyrism, I've gotten curious as to what it might be like to be on the winning side for once.

"Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis."

It's been my motto for years and years... how ironic.

"Times change, and we change with them."

Current Mood: [mood icon] tired

(26 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

November 14th, 2006
02:11 am

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Happy birthday.

 

October 11th, 2006
07:51 pm - Bonfire & Rambling

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I'm trying to prevent myself from getting a month behind in my LJ again ;]

Last night, UTMSU held a random bonfire out in the field near South Building, and it was quite fun. I haven't had such a good time in ages; it was relaxed and social, and someone even produced a hookah of shisha. I'd never tried shisha before, so that's one more thing I can put on the list of "Things I've Done That I Wouldn't Have Expected". The entire thing was... amazing. I haven't been around that many good people at once for years, and it was almost overwhelming.

The whole experience really made me look at things; it really was a very enjoyable experience that I just wouldn't have ended up in before. And by before, I mean not long ago at all. I've changed a lot in a very short amount of time, and it's been largely positive: I've become more responsible, making much better choices about my life. Related to that, I've gained confidence in those choices that puts a lot of my more traditional fears to rest. It's not that I have any idea what the future holds; it's that I am sure I will be able to work with whatever happens. I've become more organized, although probably not that anyone else would notice. But I've noticed, and it's kept me in check. My schoolwork and obligations are falling into place, and it's not feeling like the chore that it once was. This is probably one of the largest changes, as I keep wondering when I'll get sick of being useful and snap the other way... but it's been feeling largely effortless to maintain a balance, and I'm still constantly surprised by that.

Of course, any major changes of self aren't without their drawbacks. As my positions on the future gain confidence, it seems that it has drawn some of that away from my confidence in the present. I used to use a phrase, "infinite will", that referred to my seemingly limitless ability to push towards something with massive will power. This "infinite will", however, seems to have taken a leave of absence. This has resulted in a lot of very minor crises of confidence, usually in the most basic interpersonal situations. Whereas before I could approach strangers without a flicker of a pause, I now notice a shyness creeping around that I haven't felt since pre-Imarian days, back in grade 8. Hell, when doing the class speaks for the UTMSU position, I actually had a glimmer of stage fright. I've never had that before, ever. I've done entire plays in front of much larger audiences, with much more that mattered to me on the line, and never once did I feel like this. I even botched what I was saying (slightly) due to nervousness, and it irked me. I don't like losing abilities I once had.

Of course, I understand why all this is happening, so it makes sense. "Infinite will" took a hit when I was made to realize that not everything could be solved by just pushing harder; some things need something different. Apparently, the trick to "infinite will" was the theoretical guarantee that, no matter how hard it was, success would come from it. For anything that it applied to, success was worth all the effort in the world. Seeing now that all that effort doesn't guarantee a thing puts it into a whole new light, and the idea needs to be re-evaluated. I may have known this was true before, but I apparently didn't feel that way. It's one thing to logic it out, but it's wholly another to believe it.

The most unusual downside, however, is simple guilt. I've helped enough other people through this to recognize it, but it doesn't make it any easier at this moment. I know perfectly well why I've changed and sobered up my view on life. I know that it's made a very positive difference in my life, even with the loss of that push of willpower. What is hard to reconcile is that something terrible has led me to the best place I've ever been, meaning I owe this happiness to something I want to wish never happened. The conflict is significant. Dealing with this is only a matter of time, and I know it, but it doesn't change it now. It's made a lot of my day-to-day thinking very glitchy, and any ...reminders have thrown me quite off balance. I'm not used to being so affected internally like this; it seems my barriers are still in shambles.

This is starting to get away from what I mean, so I think I'll stop. Really, I'm having the time of my life. It's just hard to accept that I'm able to have it because of something so horrible.

It's funny... during Frosh week, I actually resisted enjoying myself for a while because I wanted this year to be entirely bad so I could write it off completely. Up until then, 2006 has been without a doubt the worst year of my life. But now, 2006 is complicated. It has been both the absolute worst, and is already also becoming the absolute best. I think I'm just wearing out; this year is getting to me more than any other. I just fear that this is indeed the template for the rest of my life; beyond any deep discussions about whether the good is worth the bad, I just think that I would exhaust myself and die.

Current Mood: [mood icon] thoughtful

(13 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

August 7th, 2006
03:30 pm

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In my last entry, I asked if people would be able to help in finding an appropriate Shakespeare quote for Chrissy's grave, at the request of Mr. Bussey.

Two people replied.

To those two, I am extremely thankful. I appreciate that you took the time to look up the quotes; it's very helpful. I will even admit that I did not expect to hear from either of you on this, and in that I am happy to be wrong. I thank you again.

However, there are a lot of other people I assumed would leave a quote, or even a comment in support of an already-posted quote, but didn't. Maybe you didn't see the entry; if that's the case, it's here. If you could drop by, it'd be appreciated.

However, I doubt everyone just happened to skim by it, so I'll restate my request. The reason I posted this is not because I'm lazy, or couldn't have managed to do it myself. I posted this because I thought it would be appreciated by the many people who had been a) offering help time and again on this journal, b) wishing that they could have done more in general, c) wishing that they could help her family somehow, or d) might have wanted to have some part in her resting place.

I expected that people might have wanted to help with this. Her grave is over 2000 km away; for some of you, this will be the only contribution to it that you will ever be able to make. Taking the time to skim some Shakespeare now, or even to just lend your support to another quote, will only bring you peace of mind later.

Please, go back, and contribute. I don't care how, but please do somehow. I'm not going to ask about this again, so you don't need to fear being badgered about this in the future. I'm not going to hold it against people who don't; I'm not angry, just... disappointed. If for whatever reason you don't want to, fine. I'm not here to try and change your mind.

But for those of you who might want to take part; either for yourselves, her family, or even me... please do something.

Thank you.

Current Mood: [mood icon] disappointed

 

August 5th, 2006
03:20 pm

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Mr. Bussey has sent me a set of photos from Chrissy's resting place; I have them hosted in this picture gallery.

You'll notice that the marker is a temporary cross. This is because, as mentioned in Mr. Bussey's letter, he wanted a Shakespeare quote for the grave.

I've looked myself, but I need help here. I was hoping to find either a fitting line from Viola/Twelfth Night, Titania/A Midsummer Night's Dream, or if that's not possible, a line from at least one of those two plays that she took part in. If there is a truly fitting line in another, unrelated Shakespeare, though, that could work as well.

I looked through Viola & Titania's lines, but nothing jumped out at me. I need help on this, and I'm calling out for it.

Any suggestions, please leave them here. If I could send a few off to Mr. Bussey sooner rather than later, it would probably be for the best.

EDIT: [livejournal.com profile] nightsinger has found a few Shakespeare sites, if you'd want to browse online:
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html
http://www.enotes.com/shakespeare-quotes/
http://www.william-shakespeare.info/william-shakespeare-quotes.htm

(29 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 28th, 2006
03:08 am - Once Upon A Time...

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By this point, some of you may not want to read anymore of this kind of stuff. )

One thing I realized is something that was growing on me recently... I can't go back into the Woodlands now. Not for a long, long time. For any there, I apologize that I won't be there for your shows. I wish you the very best; you know you have my unending support. But it will be many years before I can go back in there. Right now, it's just a reminder of what has been lost, and I don't want that to be how it ends up in my mind forever. I need time to heal, to see things differently, and to really be able to remember again with all the detail that made it mean something. I don't know when that will be, but it's not now.

Goodbye Woodlands... you know I'll miss you, and everything you meant.

Hell... I already do.

(13 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 26th, 2006
07:00 pm - A Favour

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I have been asked by Chrissy Bussey's family to post this here for people to be able to read. It's a letter, to us, from her father Mr. Robert Bussey.

If someone could let Adit, Danielle Ramdin, & Sarah Birmingham know this is here, I would be grateful. I believe anyone else knows how to find this.

His email is included at the end, and I have given him the URL to this entry to look at as well.

I know perfectly well that we're all still thinking about her; may at least some of that thought go towards her family to try and make things even just a bit better.

Read more... )

(6 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 24th, 2006
11:17 am

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During the roast we had for Chrissy at Woodlands, someone taped it and was going to send it to her family.

Melissa is down, and was wondering if she could pick up the tape while she's here.

Who had the camera? Who has the tape? Was it sent already?

Any information is appreciated.

(1 Voice | Sing with the Choir)

May 30th, 2006
12:24 pm

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One of Chrissy's uncles contacted me with a request for contacts of her friends for the purpose of putting a webpage together. If you would like to be included, please drop me an email here; my LJ email is imaria at livejournal dot com. Please at least give a first name as well. If I should already have your email address, just leave a comment here. I know some people might not want to get involved for a variety of reasons (too much too soon, overload, etc.), so I don't want to opt-in anyone who doesn't want to be. Haivng said that, I do hope many people drop in.



And, to add something to this... I felt that I should finally share the deep, dark secret of "Little Curtain Call", the independent drama group Chrissy directed all those years ago. She'd want it known.

Let's break down that name: "Little" - "Curtain Call". A curtain call is the end of a performance; extrapolated, a drama-related form of death.

So now we have "Little Death". This is the Wikipedia article for "little death".

It never stopped being funny...especially hearing it announced in churches.

(12 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 28th, 2006
12:47 am - Mango

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[This is an ungodly long entry, written over the course of four hours, and clocks in at 3300+ words. It is thankfully segmented, which should assist reading. I would apologize for the length, except that a) I would not change a single word of this, and b) I have come to notice that there are worse things than rambling. Someone very important did it all the time; I forgive myself for taking this one opportunity to do so in return.]

As I begin to write this entry, it is May 27th, 12:30PM, and I am onboard the VIA Train 44, Car 4, bound for Ottawa to see a friend I have not seen since November 3rd, 1995 (For the curious, that amounts to 10 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days). I've got a lot of time to think; it's a four hour train ride. And I don't think there could be a better time for it.

The Service )



The Reunion )



The Roast )



Artsfest, And The Rest Of My Life )

Finished: May 27th, 4:25PM - Posted: May 28th, 12:47AM

Current Mood: [mood icon] thoughtful

Current Music: You Belong To Me - Jason Wade [Shrek]

(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 23rd, 2006
08:40 pm

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Visitation is Thursday May 25th, 2006 from 7-9 PM at Scott Funeral Home: 420 Dundas St. East in Mississauga (between Cawthra and Hurontario: 905-272-4040). Google Maps / MapQuest

The Funeral Service will be held Friday May 26th, 2006 11 AM at City Centre Baptist Church: 1075 Eglinton Ave. West in Mississauga (905-826-8581). Google Maps / MapQuest

This information is also posted at the other entry as well.

...

Now what? I will be there on the Friday; I don't think I could do the visitation. I went to the corner today, to see where it happened... I don't know if it made it more real, or if it made it seem less possible. The word "idiotic" keeps ringing in my head; I don't fully understand how this happened, like I just can't wrap my brain around it. I don't think I ever will. She changed me more than any single person ever has; she taught me more about myself then I have ever figured out on my own. And pure chance is all it took. Dumb luck.

I mean to do a real post about how I feel, but I can't articulate anything properly. I sat at that corner for almost a half hour, staring like I was going to find her there. If anyone needs anything, please let me know. I really need to be of use for the next while; starting a new job helps, but my mind keeps going yet it gets nowhere.

I'm going to be confused for a while, I think.

(10 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 22nd, 2006
10:56 pm

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Around 5pm, Monday May 22, 2006, Christina Bussey ([livejournal.com profile] tailarion) & Andrew Desmond ([livejournal.com profile] mustangrunt) were in a motorcycle accident near Hurontario & Burmanthorpe. Chrissy died immediately at the scene, while Andrew died in the hospital during surgery.

Information regarding funeral arrangements will be relayed in my journal here as soon as I know them.

EDIT 1 (11:46pm): We are told from a reliable source connected to the scene that she did not suffer.

EDIT 2 (23rd): The funeral and visitation times are confirmed as below.

Visitation is Thursday May 25th, 2006 from 7-9 PM at Scott Funeral Home: 420 Dundas St. East in Mississauga (between Cawthra and Hurontario: 905-272-4040). Google Maps / MapQuest

The Funeral Service will be held Friday May 26th, 2006 11 AM at City Centre Baptist Church: 1075 Eglinton Ave. West in Mississauga (905-826-8581). Google Maps / MapQuest

EDIT 3: Andrew's funeral information is as follows:

"The Funeral for Andrew Desmond is Friday May 26th at 2PM, at Scott Funeral Home. The Funeral home is located at 420 Dundas St. E, between Cawthra and Hurontario. (This is the same funeral home as the visitation.)" Thanks go to [livejournal.com profile] lilacspark.

(12 Voices | Sing with the Choir)