Recent Entries
May 22nd, 2008
07:20 pm - STOP WAITING

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(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

April 20th, 2007
01:46 pm


Finally, a good article on the "causes" of the VA Tech Shooting.

This blame game crap is getting out of hand; I can't wait to see what they decide is the root of evil after video games and movies.

(14 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

March 18th, 2007
06:37 pm - Flipping The Coin

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Long Philosophizing )

(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

November 23rd, 2006
11:50 pm - Child's Play


I really like the idea behind the Child's Play charity, so I thought I'd stick this up here. I donate yearly to Sick Kids Hospital through here, but there's a lot of other hospitals available as well as a general cash pool that gets emptied for the hospitals. There is no "overhead costs" or crap involved, so it's been my charity of choice since it began.

I haven't had anything else to say in here, but this felt like a constructive use of my journal until I get interesting ;]

(5 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

November 19th, 2006
02:31 am - Just For The Record


I've wanted to do this for a while.

You see, this is a fabled drunk LJ post.

Amazingly enough, however, there will not be a single typo or misspelling of any kind to be found within. There will be no bizarrely constructed sentences, beyond my usual run-on phrasing. I will not regale you with "I AM SSSSSOOOOO DRNKU!!!11!!1ONE" over five times in this limited space. In fact, you might even notice that I used a bold effect earlier; I am even coherently using HTML tags.

And this, my friends, is why being drunk will never excuse you from stupidity online. Because while I actually have made a plethora of typos while making this entry, my spell check is still sober. Like a good designated driver, it will take your drunk ass and make sure it gets where it needs to be.

So remember, kids: Being drunk is no excuse for idiotic LJ posts.

Current Mood: [mood icon] drunk

(18 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

June 10th, 2006
01:43 am - 8035 Days And Counting...

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As of 9:30 AM 6/9/06, I officially marked 22 consecutive years of existence.

22 is an odd age... At 16, you can drive; 18, you can drink; 21, you can smoke. But 22 means nothing that way; the doors are open. It's just the first year of the rest of your life.

No pressure, of course ;]

Yet, despite the lack of additional privileges or whatnot, this is also the first birthday in which I have actually felt older. And this is not a negative thing; I've never feared getting older. And it's not like I woke up today and thought, "Wow, I'm old now". Rather, today felt like the period on a year-long sentence:

"I feel older."

I can ever so faintly recall myself this time last year, and I know (not think, but know) that I was not even close to the person I am today. This year... this year has had more events of significance in it than any other I can recall. I'm not going to list, because I will remember them anyway and no-one else needs to read a run-down, but rest assured that this year has aged me more than any other.

So many things are slowly beginning to make sense... so many of those questions I'd assumed I'd understand with age are starting to come together. I've always been a shameless nostalgic, but those memories are starting to mean something in a much greater sense now; I'm starting to realize the significance of the smallest things.

But what is surprising me the most, as I look back at the events that really made me who I am... and I realize that, on some level, I knew it at the time. I have a fairly poor memory... but when I look back on what I believe to be important moments, I find that I can find some memento of that time stashed somewhere; I can remember a feeling unlike anything else. Only now do I recognize that the feeling was me getting a glimpse at my own future changing; such a huge thing that I could never have known at the time. And I know that I must be doing that now; I will look back in time and see how I changed my life bit by bit without noticing, but somehow knowing.

There are so many feelings I didn't understand at the time; so many events whose significance was lost due to inexperience and naiveté. Frankly, I find it amazing that I made it this far with so few horrible errors ;] It kills me to look back and see how many chances I just couldn't see, but I am still close enough to those times to remember that I couldn't have seen them; I was seeing things from a totally different viewpoint than I see them now.

I think that's the key to being older; when you can draw a line in your memories and call something beyond it "youth". I know that line will move, and I know that right now, I'm still right on that edge ;] I'm no old man yet, even if I do have a cane, back, knees, and mindset that speak otherwise. But I'm starting to see the beginnings of that process, and I know why you're supposed to pursue things to the fullest in your youth; nothing stings more than a lost opportunity. The worst mistakes I ever made are forgotten, but the chances not taken I won't soon forget.

I've done pretty well so far, really. I wouldn't give myself a clean slate, mind you, but I've done a damn good job. It's tempting to beat on myself for past errors, but I know that I did what I felt was right, and that brings a great deal of comfort. The price of that comfort, though, is to learn from it. I always meant well, but that doesn't mean I did well. If I am to accept that at least my heart was in the right place, then I must at least learn from the mistake and get the rest of me in the right place, be it years later or not.

I think I'm finally starting to learn, again.

(EDIT: I actually had a really good birthday, which I realize this does not get across at all ;] I'm a thinker, that's all. Trust me, though; the day was good. I got the New Super Mario Bros. for the DS. That has to be proof right there ;] )

Current Mood: [mood icon] nostalgic

Current Music: The Dead Song - Linear North [Artsfest]

(18 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 28th, 2006
12:47 am - Mango

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[This is an ungodly long entry, written over the course of four hours, and clocks in at 3300+ words. It is thankfully segmented, which should assist reading. I would apologize for the length, except that a) I would not change a single word of this, and b) I have come to notice that there are worse things than rambling. Someone very important did it all the time; I forgive myself for taking this one opportunity to do so in return.]

As I begin to write this entry, it is May 27th, 12:30PM, and I am onboard the VIA Train 44, Car 4, bound for Ottawa to see a friend I have not seen since November 3rd, 1995 (For the curious, that amounts to 10 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days). I've got a lot of time to think; it's a four hour train ride. And I don't think there could be a better time for it.

The Service )

The Reunion )

The Roast )

Artsfest, And The Rest Of My Life )

Finished: May 27th, 4:25PM - Posted: May 28th, 12:47AM

Current Music: You Belong To Me - Jason Wade [Shrek]

Current Mood: [mood icon] thoughtful

(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 5th, 2006
02:25 am - 1 in a 1,000,000 is very alone

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Back in drama, we all were deeply emotionally involved with each other. While usually positive, even our "enemies" seemed more emotionally real than those people outside that kind of circle.

Growing past that, the crushing realization that the world is not that close is becoming harder and harder to ignore. People do everything in their power to avoid that kind of connection...It's crippling. It makes people seem like cardboard to me; I've experienced a kind of hyper-reality in the connections I've had with people...knowing that I will never be as close to people again as I was then is difficult to accept.

Even with my closest friends, it is apparent that our emotions have begun to grow shells. This is not anyone's fault; this is simply how we grow and survive. If we were connected to everyone that closely, the emotional intensity would break most people. I remember hurting more than I've ever hurt before because of relatively minor events in that context.

...But I also remember the most incredible joy, and I remember feeling it was worth it both then and now. My dreams are developing a recurring element of loneliness in a crowd, which is a feeling I haven't had in years. It's unnerving enough to almost relapse my insomnia, so much so that I've been forcing myself to go to sleep for the past few days.

I have many people to communicate my thoughts to, which is amazing considering how bizarre they can be. I have always sought that out, because people who got my ideas were rare and therefore valuable. I just wish I had realized that the emotional communication I took for granted was apparently not meant to last.

I want to tell sad looking people on the subway to smile; that they matter as people. But if I was to actually say that, it would either be assumed that I was trying to flirt with them, that I was a freak, or in some way looking to profit from the comment. It kills me. I'm watching people grow their barriers thicker and thicker, and I'm losing contact with the elements of humanity that I actually appreciate. Instead, I'm left with seemingly soulless people who I couldn't give half a damn about, and it is driving me slowly insane.

I keep dreaming of talking to the important people in my life, and being totally open with them. It's not even like I have any burning things I need to say to's that I can say the small, unimportant but valuable things. It's the freedom that's so open...and the surreality of it has been disturbing me both asleep and awake. Asleep because I know it isn't real but I want it to be, and awake because the acceptance of reality isn't something I want to do yet.

And now I have to go to sleep again, and I know I'm going to feel the same way in the morning...bah. At the very least, though, I want people reading this to know that you ALL affect each other far more than any of you are apparently willing to admit to either each other or yourselves. We ARE connected. You have actively changed the lives of so many people, and they will never be able to let you know how much because "it just doesn't happen like that". But know that it is appreciated, and I thank you all on behalf of all the people who will never be able to thank you themselves.

Current Mood: [mood icon] uncomfortable

Current Music: Fatal Tragedy - Dream Theater [Scenes From A Memory]

(11 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

December 7th, 2005
02:32 pm - What the hell happened to this season?

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Since when did Christmas time become a time of stress and hate?

Christmas is the last remaining holiday I love and look forward to. It was the one time of year that I could be nice to people, and they wouldn't recoil in paranoid horror. Be nice to someone usually, and they assume you want something, most specifically something they don't want to give. You're treated like a disease. But Christmas has always been my yearly reason/excuse to spread the love that we generally aren't allowed to give.

But in the past two days, with different groups of people, I've been told that a)the season is one of hate and intolerance, and even those that try and celebrate some sort of holiday find it b)horribly stressful and costly.

This is the one time of year I feel like I get to reconnect with my long-lost childhood...but my inner child is weeping. How can people justify going so far out of their way to find negatives in the one universal good we're supposed to get all year?

In all religions, all creeds, the holiday season is supposed to be about love for one another. How sad that people have such little love to give that they must design rules for who to exclude from this giving.

I'm going to go listen to some carols, because my Christmas spirit just took a serious beating.

Current Music: What Is Christmas? - Trans-Siberian Orchestra [The Lost Christmas Eve]

Current Mood: [mood icon] depressed

(25 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

January 5th, 2005
09:43 pm - Rise of the LJ ;/

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After receiving another year of Paid status, the horrific guilt hounded me into updating again ;]

It's not even as if I haven't done anything...I mean, it's been well over a month and I've done quite a bit in that time! Not to mention my sporadic posts before that didn't have half of what I was doing in them. I'm not too good at recording events; only thoughts and emotions.

Really, though, it works out since my day-to-day life isn't worth talking about. One can only say "I went to work and people are idiots" so many times before it becomes an insomnia's solution. The most interesting things that occur in my current life on the average day only occur in my own head-the thoughts I think, the feelings I feel, so on so forth. I think I philosophize to prevent myself from going mad with boredom, let alone to put it in action ;]

I keep sharpening my thoughts as time passes, figuring out what the hell I want with myself more and more. Wants and desires, needs and wants. Interesting conclusion: I don't need a damn thing. No-one does. And this isn't just things like "love" or "happiness", I'm talking food or water or anything else.

Oh, that makes sense...wait, how the hell...??? )


I told myself I'd keep this short...


Current Mood: [mood icon] thoughtful

Current Music: Super Mario Bros. (Arranged) (Famicom 20th Anniversary)

(5 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

June 27th, 2004
05:55 pm - What I Come Across Online - Daemons

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An interesting excerpt from an essay found at this site.

Of Daemons )

Summary of the True Definition of Daemon )

Not only does this mean I have something new to research, it also outlines the very essence of typical religious beliefs that bristle me so badly. How amusing that the very basis for things like the Void were the origins of Demons...but hardly surprising.

Current Music: White Reflection (Gundam Wing) [Gundam Wing]

Current Mood: [mood icon] amused

(Sing with the Choir)

March 10th, 2004
02:01 am - What does a mirror look like?

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I feel apathetic, but not even in a bad way. I think that's the problem; we really do need something to feel bad or we simply can't find the energy to get off our asses. Necessity breeds ingenuity and all that, etc.

[ profile] terminus8 & I happened upon a concept that almost gives me a way to look at a higher power, which is quite an accomplishment for me. Not God, mind you, but something up there. Given that up to now I've felt a distinct impression that there was a lack of something up there, rather than a feeling of nothing either way, this has massive implications for me. I'm not sure exactly what yet, but they're there.

We've tried to look at said higher power as a dictator and fellow, caring and hateful; the whole range. We keep looking at it with this sense of caring that doesn't seem to work; for anyone who's taken philosophy at all, the Problem of Evil is a huge problem for most religions. (For the philosophically uninitiated, the Problem of Evil is simply this: Why does evil exist? Why do bad things happen? If something purposefully created us, then why do we suffer?)

When we try and see how God must think from our perspective, we can't understand this massive lack of caring because we couldn't picture a viewpoint in which we would share this lack of caring unless it was purposeful, which is disconcerting to say the least. And considering we only look for said higher powers for consolation, a deliberately bastardly God just wouldn't do.

But...there is a situation in which we humans would do things like this.

Art & Literature.

We tell authors that their stories need a problem to overcome, or they will not progress and the characters will stagnate. As such, the author causes a problem. Does he concern himself with the anguish that the characters will feel? No. He does it so that the characters can progress. If an author works long enough on a particular story, they can even ascertain how a character would react to any given situation; they become close to their characters. But they still let them suffer to progress.

Literature is the only form in which we create where we feel we are morally allowed to exercise full control over our creations. And, unconsciously, we have done what we always do: we mimicked what we observe in nature. We had already realized how to play God, and so we put it to work. We just never realized where we got our inspiration from, so we claimed it was our own invention, as always ;]

We're here to progress the story. We go through our climaxes; we all play our parts. And as an author decides how a character should act, they define what is in character to do or what is out of character. And so free will is created; the definition of what we will and will not do. A good author will not make a character who is always good do something that is totally evil without good reason; it doesn't make sense. The character begins to define their own actions. With enough background and precision, a character will have their will/won't do's so laid out that the story will write itself...hmmm...

We are creatures of definition. Our roles change with more events, just as characters build in novels. Although I feel apathetic now, I know that another climb will build and I will prepare for my next climax. In reality, no story ends with "happily ever after", because that is in truth eternal boredom. We laugh at those words because we know no story ever truly ends; it simply changes and grows. To feel no goals simply means that you are between storylines...but not out of the story. And, as any Author should do, you will find yourself with an incentive to push forwards soon enough, climbing towards a new climax.

It does, of course, raise a variety of other questions. Why are we being written, etc. But frankly, the characters in stories do not concern themselves with the authors. They concern themselves with the plot at hand because that is what they affect and what affects them. And, as such...I don't plan to worry as much about this as a belief system. As a philosophical concept, on the other hand, I'll mess with it for some time. Philosophy is totally in character for me, so I've not much to worry about ;]


In less existential thoughts...if we can only reengineer what is around us using concepts around us in ways we observe around us...what exactly is so damn unique? Look at a mirror, and you can only see a reflection. What the hell are we, then? What does a mirror look like?

Man...philosophical explosions...I'm not even sure where that last part came from.

Current Mood: Apathetic, but okay

Current Music: Matrix Revolutions: Neodammerung

(2 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

November 13th, 2003
01:15 am - Emotional Bystander

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"Switching love for hate is still the same emotional commitment, except hate gives nothing back." -Me, in conversation

As happy as I am that things are much better with [ profile] torricus & I, it still hurts to see how much of a minority we are.

I currently count 6 couples ("couples" being a loose term, since a few are technically ex-couples) going through hell right now. And the biggest thing that startles me is the immense hate.

Love isn't supposed to do that. If you loved that person and they be it. People change; so do you. But if you were willing to accept them in the first place, flaws and all...where is the hate coming from? Is it something about them, who you claim to have cared about so much? Or is it something in yourself that you regret?

Sadness that things changed? Understandable; even healthy. No-one ever expected anyone to smile when it all fell apart. But this hate not only sours the future with that person (which understandably may not be the biggest concern at the moment), but it also sours your past. The worst thing you can do to yourself is make yourself regret.

For anyone out there who can hear this, be it those currently in this place or those who may someday find themselves there, don't destroy it all because it can't go on forever. If it was good, then remember the good. And if it isn't going to be good anymore...then part on the best terms possible; remember, these people made you very happy once. Just because it won't happen again doesn't mean it never happened.

And to all those listening...I wish you the best of luck. It may be hell now...but it doesn't have to stay that way. With work...they don't even need to be that way when you look back on them, years from now.

Best wishes.

Current Mood: [mood icon] sad

(9 Voices | Sing with the Choir)