Shadowscape
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August 2nd, 2009
12:06 am

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My mom just trolled me via email. She is in her room, I am in mine across the hall. I get this email:

SHHH!!

I reply that I am only typing, and indicate my wtf state. Her reply?

"lol I just like the big font"

...

Current Mood: [mood icon] ...

(Sing with the Choir)

May 3rd, 2009
11:33 pm - WHOO

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So, I have mentioned before that I wanted to travel and meet TQCers etc. But I hadn't really gotten anywhere with that, mostly because I suck and didn't even have a passport or money or anything ever.

Well, I decided "fuck that".

So I got my passport, finagled around some Aeromiles points with the family, and will be visiting [livejournal.com profile] shinga in Texas from May 25th to June 5th ;]

I was originally going to bus it because I am cheap and insane, but family laughed at me and offered me Aeromiles points from work trips to fly instead. Approved!

This marks my longest non-family vacation, the longest on-my-own vacation as well, my first flight, my first real international travel, and some other firsts I don't remember at the moment.

I've done some traveling for my "grand tour" so far, but all short trips that made me feel like I really wasn't trying. So, since everything else I do these days feels too boring to note in LJ, I figure it's about time I do something I feel is worth mentioning, let alone worth doing ;]

Current Mood: [mood icon] excited

(60 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 23rd, 2009
08:46 pm - Faline

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Faline, my kitty, is not well.

Apparently she didn't eat or drink the whole weekend we were away, nor slept. They gave her something to help rehydrate her today, but she's terribly weak. She won't eat yet (but I got her to drink some tuna water), she IS drinking... but she's so wobbly. She can't seem to see right, and she falls over if she tries to walk.

We left her with the VETS, for god sakes. Why didn't they call us, or do something?

I'm sitting beside her now, on my kitchen floor. She's finally sleeping on a blanket we laid out, since the floor is cold and she keeps getting herself wet with the water dish. I'm watching over as long as I can, then it's my mom's turn. Benefit of a nocturnal household.

I feel weak and sick. She's 21... I know the odds. I just... she's my cat.

I really want her to be okay.

(36 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

June 30th, 2008
08:58 am - All is well

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For those who stayed up late in chat:

All is well. It turned out to be a viral effect, not anything directly heart related. As such, there is no serious threat of anything.

To find out that a bunch of people stayed up, or messaged me, or waited to find out what was happening really, really makes things a lot better. I am frazzled to all hell (I was in ER for 5 hours surrounded by vomiting people), but that really does bring me back down. Thank you, so much, for caring.

To those reading and going WTF?!:

At about 3am, my mother had chest pains and other symptoms that all pointed towards a heart attack. I abruptly left chat and up we went to the Emergency Room to get checked out. As it turns out, it was a viral reaction which can be dealt with normally, despite simulating a heart attack symptomatically ;/

Now, since I've been in a hospital since 3am, and it is now 9am, I am going to bed. Again, to those who cared, thank you very much, on behalf of us both. It means a lot.

Current Mood: [mood icon] exhausted

(14 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

June 21st, 2007
10:32 pm

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Recently (and by recently, I mean for the past few weeks), I've had people asking me why I haven't been out and around, or why I seemed off. I've had a few answers for this, typically that I'm working (which is true) and that I am experiencing constant dental pain (also irritatingly true). While this answers are not lies, however... they're not the entire truth, either.

This past May 26th, I found out that my mother has cancer.

The first expected reaction to this is "WTF?! Why didn't you say something earlier?" The reason I'm saying it now is to explain myself, both then and for the foreseeable future. People are asking questions for an answer they shouldn't know to be asking about, meaning I'm clearly being obviously affected by this... despite my best efforts otherwise. Hence, I wish to explain myself, if only to ask for understanding until I get my head together.

When I found out, I really didn't react. Given the... pre-existing stigma of that day, and entire week, I think the term I'm looking for is "shock". Something short-circuited, and I instead became REALLY calm and collected about everything. This lasted for about two days, in which I decided that I did not want to even acknowledge this until I knew more than just "cancer", which is all we got at first. Waiting until a more detailed diagnosis and proposed method of treatment before thinking about all this would prevent a lot of needless worry and stress.

The logic was perfect, and totally workable... until the shock wore off. Things get fuzzy for the first little bit of this, because my mentality sort of just folded like a house of cards. My mother is the only constant thing I've ever had in my life, given my many moves and my father being MIA for the past few years (and barely effective prior); when this starting setting in, there really wasn't an aspect of my life it didn't affect. As such, everything went topsy-turvy, and I really don't remember much of what happened for the rest of May.

At the beginning of June, there was the New U conference I was helping with, which was the first real encounter with people since I had found out. The theory I had was that if I went and acted like I was okay, I might actually start to feel okay. I decided to continue not acknowledging it until I knew more, which included not talking about it. Of course, it clearly WAS affecting my mood and behaviour already, so I wasn't helping anything, but I'm stubborn. This should not be a surprise.

The conference took far more out of me than I had expected, for any number of reasons. The constant maintenance of my "good" mood required exhausted me; I haven't been out and about since. I still don't regret going at all; not only was the original idea sound, I did enjoy much of it. It just also ruined me; I wasn't mentally up to what I put myself into. But the result was that I was simply unable to muster energy to be out and about, because I couldn't summon the self-control to maintain my mood. I think I had a few one-on-one's since, because I can more easily lose myself in the moment during them, but even that was exhausting. I'm happy I forced myself every time, but after a while there just isn't anywhere else to get the push from. And so I sort of fell into work and dental crap, letting it push me along the currents. Until now.

We finally have a prognosis and plan and such, and it really doesn't clarify anything at all. It might work, it might not. It might work, but the cure might be more of a threat. It might work, and the cancer could return within a year. It could work perfectly, and things would STILL be hard. No real "happy endings" came out of this; the best-case scenario is still going to be a challenge. Oh, and non-treatment is not an option in any shape or form.

This was the "knowing more" that I was supposed to be waiting for, and my first inclination was to bury it, and wait for "better information". At which point I finally called myself out on my own bullshit, and admitted that I wasn't willing to accept this no matter HOW much I knew. I could learn every last thing about it, and it still comes down to vague predictions at best. So this waiting game had to end, and hence I'm here.

This entry is dual-purposed: One, to put it out where I can't take it back and ignore that this is happening. Two, this is starting to cross the line between maintaining privacy and keeping a secret from those I trust, and I won't do that. I don't feel like I am obligated to tell everything about my life to people... but at the same time, people I care about are asking, because they know something's up. When I'm actively avoiding questions, I begin to dance a fine line.

For those who are still shocked at my long silence, please do not take this as a trust issue. If I couldn't say "my mother has cancer" to myself, I really wasn't in any place to say it to anyone else. I'm sorry for any concern I have (or will have) caused by this delayed proclamation, but I just didn't have it in me.

All I hope for with this, from those who read it, is understanding. I don't need support or whatnot, even though I understand it would be offered with the very best of intentions. But while I may have enough in me now to finally post this, I still don't have the strength to draw this out over and over again. When the time comes where I need support, I know I can find it, and I promise that I will take it when it is offered. A time will come when I will NEED that support... but frankly, I know it isn't now. Right now, all I have is a word: "cancer". The word itself isn't the problem; it's the perspective shift that comes with it. I know things will get bad, and it's getting ready to deal with it that I have to do now.

I will be able to accept this, and start to move with it. I always adapt, and this will be no different. Hell, if you're reading this, then I've already made progress. I just know that the process hasn't been, and won't be exactly... flawless. I just need the patience of those around me, because when I crack this cocoon I've worked myself into, I'm going to need my friends and I know it. So if I've been a little distant, please bear with me.

One small favour: I don't want to have to keep explaining this to people, and I don't think I even can. Hence, if someone needs to know, just tell them on my behalf. This isn't a secret; I trust anyone here not to be an idiot and start posting it everywhere. But considering this is a public LJ entry, I am clearly hoping this is read so I won't have to repeat myself. I just don't want to have to watch person after person get that look in their eyes when I tell them, that look that doesn't seem to go away. I'm still smack in the middle of the stage where I can't mentally separate support from pity properly, and both just remind me of things that I really don't want to dwell on if I'm out with people.

The only exception to this rule, however, is my own mother. I know some of you know my mother through me, and might be inclined to contact her. Please don't; I get my pride from her, and hers is in full swing. While I daresay she's dealing with a lot of this better than I am, I still think she'd be a bit uncomfortable knowing that strangers are aware of this so acutely. She wouldn't be outright mad about this entry (this affects me, and she knows that), but she'd be understandably weirded out. As things become more pressing, though, this expectation of silence will fade and this will change. But for now, I just don't want her being forcibly reminded of this any more than I want to be.

So yeah, that's been my month, give or take a few days. I'm heading to [livejournal.com profile] tarantula13's show on Saturday, just to try and readjust to being out and about; I'm showing sometime around 1pm. If anyone's there, keep an eye out. I appreciate any understanding and patience anyone can spare; I quickly read this entry before I post it, and even this feels like it's coming out wrong, but I just don't have my wits in order right now so I hope that my request for understanding is applied to this very post ;/ I'm not going to suddenly be totally in touch; I am still busy with work and such, and it's not like I suddenly feel all better, having posted this. What I hope is that people will be understanding of my uselessness in these matters, and will still be around when the fog lifts enough for me to get back out there.

Oh, and for the record? I believe I am totally and completely justified in wanting to strike the month of May from existence.

(18 Voices | Sing with the Choir)