Shadowscape
Recent Entries
April 22nd, 2009
04:31 am - tickticktickticktickticktickticktickticktickticktick

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Ode to a pocketwatch )

Current Mood: [mood icon] ARGH

(15 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 23rd, 2009
08:46 pm - Faline

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Faline, my kitty, is not well.

Apparently she didn't eat or drink the whole weekend we were away, nor slept. They gave her something to help rehydrate her today, but she's terribly weak. She won't eat yet (but I got her to drink some tuna water), she IS drinking... but she's so wobbly. She can't seem to see right, and she falls over if she tries to walk.

We left her with the VETS, for god sakes. Why didn't they call us, or do something?

I'm sitting beside her now, on my kitchen floor. She's finally sleeping on a blanket we laid out, since the floor is cold and she keeps getting herself wet with the water dish. I'm watching over as long as I can, then it's my mom's turn. Benefit of a nocturnal household.

I feel weak and sick. She's 21... I know the odds. I just... she's my cat.

I really want her to be okay.

(36 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

January 6th, 2009
01:36 pm - Damnit

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Fuck you, LJ. I did NOT want to wake up to a goddamned apocalypse today.

Current Mood: [mood icon] pissed off

(10 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

November 19th, 2008
06:21 pm - YEARGH

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FUCK ALMIGHTY

Somehow, the anti-reflective coating on the inside of my lenses?

It got MASSIVELY scratched... BY ME WALKING THROUGH THE COLD.

THIS IS ON THE INSIDE

HOW???

FUUUUUUCK

Current Mood: [mood icon] pissed off

(16 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

December 31st, 2007
01:49 am - I Hate Clothing

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Tonight's trivia: I can keep calm through death, destruction and terror... but nothing incites murderous rage like the laundry situation at my building.

Rarely do the machines even work, but are never labeled broken. Instead, it's a demented lottery in which you wonder whether or not your clothing will be dried, or merely steamed.

And when they DO work... can you use the machines?

Haha, NO. Because the family with 38 people is always using all the machines, all the time.

You think I exaggerate? It is 1:47am here, and EVERY FUCKING MACHINE IS TAKEN. I have a bus to catch tomorrow at 10:45am, and this is not looking awesome. As it is, I may be running over to the laundromat just to confirm it is open early enough for me to cab over, do my laundry, come back, and have time to pack so I may run over to said bus.

My image of luxury is having a goddamned laundry machine I can depend on. ARGH.

Current Mood: [mood icon] RARGH

(5 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

November 14th, 2007
03:23 am - ...Et Nos Mutamur In Illis

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I know I haven't updated in months, and am probably expected to have some giant, 5000 word summary entry.

If that's the case, this one's going to be a disappointment (or a blessing, depending on the view). In summary, I've been busy as all fuck since classes started up, and I let myself slide back into politics; my fault, 100%.

I forget what sleep is like... and today's date is not lost on me, either. I've got a visit to make tonight.

The only real thing of note, over these past few months?

I used to see myself as a good person. I made mistakes here and there, but we all do. Underneath it all, though, I knew I always meant well and would endeavour to minimize the damage that I might have ever caused.

Now... not so much. That "infinite compassion" thing? Doesn't work so well without recipients. Apparently empathy can atrophy and die; who knew?

And you know what worries me most? While I do wax nostalgic for the days when I could depend on my moral code, and felt resolute in my direction... it's the appeal of the freedom in this amoral ambiguity that takes the spotlight. I might think well of when I was "the nice guy"... but I don't know if I could honestly say I miss it anymore. For the first time in my life, I have the conviction to actually hammer those things that hurt me. And to be frank... after years of self-martyrism, I've gotten curious as to what it might be like to be on the winning side for once.

"Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis."

It's been my motto for years and years... how ironic.

"Times change, and we change with them."

Current Mood: [mood icon] tired

(26 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

August 11th, 2007
12:59 am - Bah

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Guess who got mugged?

YAY.

I'm fine, but out $80. Seven or so assholes got to me in the South Common bus terminal after I left work; it could have been worse, but it also could have been better. As in, I could have just not been mugged.

I'm not even angry; just.... bleh. Why does crap keep piling on me?

Current Mood: [mood icon] tired

(11 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

June 21st, 2007
10:32 pm

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Recently (and by recently, I mean for the past few weeks), I've had people asking me why I haven't been out and around, or why I seemed off. I've had a few answers for this, typically that I'm working (which is true) and that I am experiencing constant dental pain (also irritatingly true). While this answers are not lies, however... they're not the entire truth, either.

This past May 26th, I found out that my mother has cancer.

The first expected reaction to this is "WTF?! Why didn't you say something earlier?" The reason I'm saying it now is to explain myself, both then and for the foreseeable future. People are asking questions for an answer they shouldn't know to be asking about, meaning I'm clearly being obviously affected by this... despite my best efforts otherwise. Hence, I wish to explain myself, if only to ask for understanding until I get my head together.

When I found out, I really didn't react. Given the... pre-existing stigma of that day, and entire week, I think the term I'm looking for is "shock". Something short-circuited, and I instead became REALLY calm and collected about everything. This lasted for about two days, in which I decided that I did not want to even acknowledge this until I knew more than just "cancer", which is all we got at first. Waiting until a more detailed diagnosis and proposed method of treatment before thinking about all this would prevent a lot of needless worry and stress.

The logic was perfect, and totally workable... until the shock wore off. Things get fuzzy for the first little bit of this, because my mentality sort of just folded like a house of cards. My mother is the only constant thing I've ever had in my life, given my many moves and my father being MIA for the past few years (and barely effective prior); when this starting setting in, there really wasn't an aspect of my life it didn't affect. As such, everything went topsy-turvy, and I really don't remember much of what happened for the rest of May.

At the beginning of June, there was the New U conference I was helping with, which was the first real encounter with people since I had found out. The theory I had was that if I went and acted like I was okay, I might actually start to feel okay. I decided to continue not acknowledging it until I knew more, which included not talking about it. Of course, it clearly WAS affecting my mood and behaviour already, so I wasn't helping anything, but I'm stubborn. This should not be a surprise.

The conference took far more out of me than I had expected, for any number of reasons. The constant maintenance of my "good" mood required exhausted me; I haven't been out and about since. I still don't regret going at all; not only was the original idea sound, I did enjoy much of it. It just also ruined me; I wasn't mentally up to what I put myself into. But the result was that I was simply unable to muster energy to be out and about, because I couldn't summon the self-control to maintain my mood. I think I had a few one-on-one's since, because I can more easily lose myself in the moment during them, but even that was exhausting. I'm happy I forced myself every time, but after a while there just isn't anywhere else to get the push from. And so I sort of fell into work and dental crap, letting it push me along the currents. Until now.

We finally have a prognosis and plan and such, and it really doesn't clarify anything at all. It might work, it might not. It might work, but the cure might be more of a threat. It might work, and the cancer could return within a year. It could work perfectly, and things would STILL be hard. No real "happy endings" came out of this; the best-case scenario is still going to be a challenge. Oh, and non-treatment is not an option in any shape or form.

This was the "knowing more" that I was supposed to be waiting for, and my first inclination was to bury it, and wait for "better information". At which point I finally called myself out on my own bullshit, and admitted that I wasn't willing to accept this no matter HOW much I knew. I could learn every last thing about it, and it still comes down to vague predictions at best. So this waiting game had to end, and hence I'm here.

This entry is dual-purposed: One, to put it out where I can't take it back and ignore that this is happening. Two, this is starting to cross the line between maintaining privacy and keeping a secret from those I trust, and I won't do that. I don't feel like I am obligated to tell everything about my life to people... but at the same time, people I care about are asking, because they know something's up. When I'm actively avoiding questions, I begin to dance a fine line.

For those who are still shocked at my long silence, please do not take this as a trust issue. If I couldn't say "my mother has cancer" to myself, I really wasn't in any place to say it to anyone else. I'm sorry for any concern I have (or will have) caused by this delayed proclamation, but I just didn't have it in me.

All I hope for with this, from those who read it, is understanding. I don't need support or whatnot, even though I understand it would be offered with the very best of intentions. But while I may have enough in me now to finally post this, I still don't have the strength to draw this out over and over again. When the time comes where I need support, I know I can find it, and I promise that I will take it when it is offered. A time will come when I will NEED that support... but frankly, I know it isn't now. Right now, all I have is a word: "cancer". The word itself isn't the problem; it's the perspective shift that comes with it. I know things will get bad, and it's getting ready to deal with it that I have to do now.

I will be able to accept this, and start to move with it. I always adapt, and this will be no different. Hell, if you're reading this, then I've already made progress. I just know that the process hasn't been, and won't be exactly... flawless. I just need the patience of those around me, because when I crack this cocoon I've worked myself into, I'm going to need my friends and I know it. So if I've been a little distant, please bear with me.

One small favour: I don't want to have to keep explaining this to people, and I don't think I even can. Hence, if someone needs to know, just tell them on my behalf. This isn't a secret; I trust anyone here not to be an idiot and start posting it everywhere. But considering this is a public LJ entry, I am clearly hoping this is read so I won't have to repeat myself. I just don't want to have to watch person after person get that look in their eyes when I tell them, that look that doesn't seem to go away. I'm still smack in the middle of the stage where I can't mentally separate support from pity properly, and both just remind me of things that I really don't want to dwell on if I'm out with people.

The only exception to this rule, however, is my own mother. I know some of you know my mother through me, and might be inclined to contact her. Please don't; I get my pride from her, and hers is in full swing. While I daresay she's dealing with a lot of this better than I am, I still think she'd be a bit uncomfortable knowing that strangers are aware of this so acutely. She wouldn't be outright mad about this entry (this affects me, and she knows that), but she'd be understandably weirded out. As things become more pressing, though, this expectation of silence will fade and this will change. But for now, I just don't want her being forcibly reminded of this any more than I want to be.

So yeah, that's been my month, give or take a few days. I'm heading to [livejournal.com profile] tarantula13's show on Saturday, just to try and readjust to being out and about; I'm showing sometime around 1pm. If anyone's there, keep an eye out. I appreciate any understanding and patience anyone can spare; I quickly read this entry before I post it, and even this feels like it's coming out wrong, but I just don't have my wits in order right now so I hope that my request for understanding is applied to this very post ;/ I'm not going to suddenly be totally in touch; I am still busy with work and such, and it's not like I suddenly feel all better, having posted this. What I hope is that people will be understanding of my uselessness in these matters, and will still be around when the fog lifts enough for me to get back out there.

Oh, and for the record? I believe I am totally and completely justified in wanting to strike the month of May from existence.

(18 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 19th, 2007
10:24 pm - Notes on Stuff

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My brain is continually getting to me. I can't stop thinking about everything on my mind, but I'm not getting anywhere with it. It's really starting to bug me.

On the plus side, Heroes was bloody awesome tonight. I needed that.

NOTE: To those who might remember Melissa Bussey (Chrissy's younger sister), I talked to her the other night on MSN and it turns out she is 7 months pregnant! She is due on April 19th with a girl: Sadie Christina Elizabeth Bussey. She's got the father, family and support, so I just thought people might like to know.

(20 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 15th, 2007
01:17 am - V-Day Summary

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Unsurprisingly, this day was a challenge. Not in any technical reason because it was V-Day; but more karmically because it was V-Day. If a holiday could be my nemesis, this would be it.

It took me two hours to get to school today. For those counting, that's 400% of my usual travel time. I made it to my midterm with exactly 0 minutes to spare. Of course, my prof was a few minutes late because he also was screwed by the buses.

The rest of the day was... exhausting, to be simple. However, upon reaching home, I discovered something that actually managed to make me write the day up as an overall success.

How could this be?! What magical thing could do this?

...WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's about goddamned time!!

I've been bowling for FAR too long tonight, and am finally forcing myself to go to sleep.
Anyone else with a Wii (other than [livejournal.com profile] chenry), leave your friend code. Mine is 6483 3526 0218 9646.

I really, really, really needed this.

Current Mood: [mood icon] WIIIIIIIII

(17 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

December 20th, 2006
09:07 pm - Crap

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Well, today was awesome.

See, there was this exam today, from 7pm to 10pm.

ERROR

In fact, it was from 4pm to 7pm, meaning I arrived just in time to realize I'd fucked up about as badly as possible. I'm so pissed at myself, I don't even know how to express it.

This is not the kind of mistakes I make; I was already feeling a little frazzled (which is likely how this happened), and this is NOT helping. I had hoped I would never miss an exam; I mean, how dumb do you have to be, right? ...Right?

I have already submitted a petition for mercy from the Registrar's office, and emailed the professor. Beyond this, I now get to wait and see if I will be forgiven for being a goddamned idiot. If I am permitted, I'd likely end up doing the exam during Reading Week, which is more than fine. I'm more afraid of someone saying "But this is not only your fault, but a stupid error as well! No exam for you!", mostly because I couldn't dispute that statement.

Fuck, this is not what I needed. 2006, you're screwing me straight to the end. Thanks.

Current Mood: [mood icon] pissed off

(27 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 28th, 2006
03:08 am - Once Upon A Time...

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By this point, some of you may not want to read anymore of this kind of stuff. )

One thing I realized is something that was growing on me recently... I can't go back into the Woodlands now. Not for a long, long time. For any there, I apologize that I won't be there for your shows. I wish you the very best; you know you have my unending support. But it will be many years before I can go back in there. Right now, it's just a reminder of what has been lost, and I don't want that to be how it ends up in my mind forever. I need time to heal, to see things differently, and to really be able to remember again with all the detail that made it mean something. I don't know when that will be, but it's not now.

Goodbye Woodlands... you know I'll miss you, and everything you meant.

Hell... I already do.

(13 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 30th, 2006
12:24 pm

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One of Chrissy's uncles contacted me with a request for contacts of her friends for the purpose of putting a webpage together. If you would like to be included, please drop me an email here; my LJ email is imaria at livejournal dot com. Please at least give a first name as well. If I should already have your email address, just leave a comment here. I know some people might not want to get involved for a variety of reasons (too much too soon, overload, etc.), so I don't want to opt-in anyone who doesn't want to be. Haivng said that, I do hope many people drop in.



And, to add something to this... I felt that I should finally share the deep, dark secret of "Little Curtain Call", the independent drama group Chrissy directed all those years ago. She'd want it known.

Let's break down that name: "Little" - "Curtain Call". A curtain call is the end of a performance; extrapolated, a drama-related form of death.

So now we have "Little Death". This is the Wikipedia article for "little death".

It never stopped being funny...especially hearing it announced in churches.

(12 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 28th, 2006
12:47 am - Mango

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[This is an ungodly long entry, written over the course of four hours, and clocks in at 3300+ words. It is thankfully segmented, which should assist reading. I would apologize for the length, except that a) I would not change a single word of this, and b) I have come to notice that there are worse things than rambling. Someone very important did it all the time; I forgive myself for taking this one opportunity to do so in return.]

As I begin to write this entry, it is May 27th, 12:30PM, and I am onboard the VIA Train 44, Car 4, bound for Ottawa to see a friend I have not seen since November 3rd, 1995 (For the curious, that amounts to 10 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days). I've got a lot of time to think; it's a four hour train ride. And I don't think there could be a better time for it.

The Service )



The Reunion )



The Roast )



Artsfest, And The Rest Of My Life )

Finished: May 27th, 4:25PM - Posted: May 28th, 12:47AM

Current Music: You Belong To Me - Jason Wade [Shrek]

Current Mood: [mood icon] thoughtful

(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 25th, 2006
08:11 am

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I started a new job on Tuesday.

I left today.

Awesome.

*thunk, thunk, thunk*

Current Mood: [mood icon] exhausted

(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 23rd, 2006
08:40 pm

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Visitation is Thursday May 25th, 2006 from 7-9 PM at Scott Funeral Home: 420 Dundas St. East in Mississauga (between Cawthra and Hurontario: 905-272-4040). Google Maps / MapQuest

The Funeral Service will be held Friday May 26th, 2006 11 AM at City Centre Baptist Church: 1075 Eglinton Ave. West in Mississauga (905-826-8581). Google Maps / MapQuest

This information is also posted at the other entry as well.

...

Now what? I will be there on the Friday; I don't think I could do the visitation. I went to the corner today, to see where it happened... I don't know if it made it more real, or if it made it seem less possible. The word "idiotic" keeps ringing in my head; I don't fully understand how this happened, like I just can't wrap my brain around it. I don't think I ever will. She changed me more than any single person ever has; she taught me more about myself then I have ever figured out on my own. And pure chance is all it took. Dumb luck.

I mean to do a real post about how I feel, but I can't articulate anything properly. I sat at that corner for almost a half hour, staring like I was going to find her there. If anyone needs anything, please let me know. I really need to be of use for the next while; starting a new job helps, but my mind keeps going yet it gets nowhere.

I'm going to be confused for a while, I think.

(10 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 22nd, 2006
10:56 pm

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Around 5pm, Monday May 22, 2006, Christina Bussey ([livejournal.com profile] tailarion) & Andrew Desmond ([livejournal.com profile] mustangrunt) were in a motorcycle accident near Hurontario & Burmanthorpe. Chrissy died immediately at the scene, while Andrew died in the hospital during surgery.

Information regarding funeral arrangements will be relayed in my journal here as soon as I know them.

EDIT 1 (11:46pm): We are told from a reliable source connected to the scene that she did not suffer.

EDIT 2 (23rd): The funeral and visitation times are confirmed as below.

Visitation is Thursday May 25th, 2006 from 7-9 PM at Scott Funeral Home: 420 Dundas St. East in Mississauga (between Cawthra and Hurontario: 905-272-4040). Google Maps / MapQuest

The Funeral Service will be held Friday May 26th, 2006 11 AM at City Centre Baptist Church: 1075 Eglinton Ave. West in Mississauga (905-826-8581). Google Maps / MapQuest

EDIT 3: Andrew's funeral information is as follows:

"The Funeral for Andrew Desmond is Friday May 26th at 2PM, at Scott Funeral Home. The Funeral home is located at 420 Dundas St. E, between Cawthra and Hurontario. (This is the same funeral home as the visitation.)" Thanks go to [livejournal.com profile] lilacspark.

(12 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

April 2nd, 2006
03:30 pm - Food Poisoning = ARGH

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I seem to be a food poisoning magnet this time of year ;/

Current Mood: [mood icon] irritated

(12 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

March 9th, 2006
09:39 pm - Finito

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We had a staff meeting tonight, in which it was made clear that the reason that Rogers Video is not profitable is obviously because of its employees and them renting their free movies when they couldn't legally be renting them out anyway. The massive lack of employee respect in this company was clearly highlighted like it never has been before.

So I am putting in my two weeks tomorrow. I'm done.

And I feel AWESOME.

Current Music: Celebration - Kool & The Gang [The Best Of Kool & The Gang]

Current Mood: [mood icon] AWESOME

(10 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

March 2nd, 2006
05:54 pm - I Hate Stupid

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Well, this month has started with me having to kick a grown man out of the store for being abusive, being scheduled for 6 days in a row with a class on each end, followed by a day off, then 5 shifts in a row followed by another class.

My optimism that only February was to blame for my woes is waning ;/

EDIT:
OGNPRANTED adv. ogn-prant-ed (the "g" is silent: pronounced: on-prant-ed)
     To be displeased at being in unfortunate or negative circumstances beyond control or understandable reason: You mean I got the shitty customer again? Man, I'm ognpranted.
     (Origin: A horrendous typo-related misspelling of the word "ignorant" caused by exhaustion. The source of the exhaustion is theorized to have played a role in the resulting definition.)

Also: Please answer this question; in my comments here if you can't/won't join [livejournal.com profile] thequestionclub.

Current Mood: [mood icon] still ognpranted

(5 Voices | Sing with the Choir)