Shadowscape
Recent Entries
March 18th, 2007
06:37 pm - Flipping The Coin

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Long Philosophizing )

(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 20th, 2007
11:58 am - FINALLY!!

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Current Mood: [mood icon] ecstatic

(24 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 19th, 2007
10:24 pm - Notes on Stuff

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My brain is continually getting to me. I can't stop thinking about everything on my mind, but I'm not getting anywhere with it. It's really starting to bug me.

On the plus side, Heroes was bloody awesome tonight. I needed that.

NOTE: To those who might remember Melissa Bussey (Chrissy's younger sister), I talked to her the other night on MSN and it turns out she is 7 months pregnant! She is due on April 19th with a girl: Sadie Christina Elizabeth Bussey. She's got the father, family and support, so I just thought people might like to know.

(20 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 15th, 2007
01:17 am - V-Day Summary

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Unsurprisingly, this day was a challenge. Not in any technical reason because it was V-Day; but more karmically because it was V-Day. If a holiday could be my nemesis, this would be it.

It took me two hours to get to school today. For those counting, that's 400% of my usual travel time. I made it to my midterm with exactly 0 minutes to spare. Of course, my prof was a few minutes late because he also was screwed by the buses.

The rest of the day was... exhausting, to be simple. However, upon reaching home, I discovered something that actually managed to make me write the day up as an overall success.

How could this be?! What magical thing could do this?

...WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's about goddamned time!!

I've been bowling for FAR too long tonight, and am finally forcing myself to go to sleep.
Anyone else with a Wii (other than [livejournal.com profile] chenry), leave your friend code. Mine is 6483 3526 0218 9646.

I really, really, really needed this.

Current Mood: [mood icon] WIIIIIIIII

(17 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

February 2nd, 2007
03:05 am - UPass

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We did it.

The votes are in, and the deal is sealed. 83.2% YES vote for the UPass, with a student vote turnout of 22.6%. To put that into perspective, we were hoping for a 10% turnout; never before has this campus ever seen this high of a turnout, and especially not with such a decisive result.

For those of you who don't know, this is the reason I've not been online or updating for the past month. The UPass is a heavily discounted transit pass for all Mississauga Transit students that my student union (that I am a director of) has been putting to a vote. I've been bleeding over this thing for months now, and the vote finally came though tonight. And damn, did it come through.

The stress of this thing nearly killed me; on more than one occasion I thought it would be the end of me. But every late night and long day has payed off, because we have a huge and unquestionable success on our hands. I'm so happy that I could almost cry.

Damn, I feel good.

Current Mood: [mood icon] ecstatic

(11 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

December 15th, 2006
02:10 am - Second Rising

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It's almost 2am, and I'm still kicking around online. There's no good reason for me to still be awake, and yet here I am.

Upon further reflection, I realized it's because I currently feel lonely. The funny thing? That makes me happier than I've been in ages.

In Which I Make Sense, In Typical Long-Winded Fashion )

(I do apologize for my inability to write short entries; feel free to skip the long crap I write. I just stick it up here on the off chance someone wants to read it, mostly as a way to force myself to write what I'm thinking at all ;] )

Current Mood: [mood icon] lonely, but peaceful

(10 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

October 11th, 2006
07:51 pm - Bonfire & Rambling

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I'm trying to prevent myself from getting a month behind in my LJ again ;]

Last night, UTMSU held a random bonfire out in the field near South Building, and it was quite fun. I haven't had such a good time in ages; it was relaxed and social, and someone even produced a hookah of shisha. I'd never tried shisha before, so that's one more thing I can put on the list of "Things I've Done That I Wouldn't Have Expected". The entire thing was... amazing. I haven't been around that many good people at once for years, and it was almost overwhelming.

The whole experience really made me look at things; it really was a very enjoyable experience that I just wouldn't have ended up in before. And by before, I mean not long ago at all. I've changed a lot in a very short amount of time, and it's been largely positive: I've become more responsible, making much better choices about my life. Related to that, I've gained confidence in those choices that puts a lot of my more traditional fears to rest. It's not that I have any idea what the future holds; it's that I am sure I will be able to work with whatever happens. I've become more organized, although probably not that anyone else would notice. But I've noticed, and it's kept me in check. My schoolwork and obligations are falling into place, and it's not feeling like the chore that it once was. This is probably one of the largest changes, as I keep wondering when I'll get sick of being useful and snap the other way... but it's been feeling largely effortless to maintain a balance, and I'm still constantly surprised by that.

Of course, any major changes of self aren't without their drawbacks. As my positions on the future gain confidence, it seems that it has drawn some of that away from my confidence in the present. I used to use a phrase, "infinite will", that referred to my seemingly limitless ability to push towards something with massive will power. This "infinite will", however, seems to have taken a leave of absence. This has resulted in a lot of very minor crises of confidence, usually in the most basic interpersonal situations. Whereas before I could approach strangers without a flicker of a pause, I now notice a shyness creeping around that I haven't felt since pre-Imarian days, back in grade 8. Hell, when doing the class speaks for the UTMSU position, I actually had a glimmer of stage fright. I've never had that before, ever. I've done entire plays in front of much larger audiences, with much more that mattered to me on the line, and never once did I feel like this. I even botched what I was saying (slightly) due to nervousness, and it irked me. I don't like losing abilities I once had.

Of course, I understand why all this is happening, so it makes sense. "Infinite will" took a hit when I was made to realize that not everything could be solved by just pushing harder; some things need something different. Apparently, the trick to "infinite will" was the theoretical guarantee that, no matter how hard it was, success would come from it. For anything that it applied to, success was worth all the effort in the world. Seeing now that all that effort doesn't guarantee a thing puts it into a whole new light, and the idea needs to be re-evaluated. I may have known this was true before, but I apparently didn't feel that way. It's one thing to logic it out, but it's wholly another to believe it.

The most unusual downside, however, is simple guilt. I've helped enough other people through this to recognize it, but it doesn't make it any easier at this moment. I know perfectly well why I've changed and sobered up my view on life. I know that it's made a very positive difference in my life, even with the loss of that push of willpower. What is hard to reconcile is that something terrible has led me to the best place I've ever been, meaning I owe this happiness to something I want to wish never happened. The conflict is significant. Dealing with this is only a matter of time, and I know it, but it doesn't change it now. It's made a lot of my day-to-day thinking very glitchy, and any ...reminders have thrown me quite off balance. I'm not used to being so affected internally like this; it seems my barriers are still in shambles.

This is starting to get away from what I mean, so I think I'll stop. Really, I'm having the time of my life. It's just hard to accept that I'm able to have it because of something so horrible.

It's funny... during Frosh week, I actually resisted enjoying myself for a while because I wanted this year to be entirely bad so I could write it off completely. Up until then, 2006 has been without a doubt the worst year of my life. But now, 2006 is complicated. It has been both the absolute worst, and is already also becoming the absolute best. I think I'm just wearing out; this year is getting to me more than any other. I just fear that this is indeed the template for the rest of my life; beyond any deep discussions about whether the good is worth the bad, I just think that I would exhaust myself and die.

Current Mood: [mood icon] thoughtful

(13 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

October 4th, 2006
12:27 am - Updatetastic

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Like a phoenix from the ashes, my LJ rises from massive idleness and back into use. Contrary to the implication, I am indeed still alive ;]

So, since it's been a month and a day since I last updated, I suppose I owe some sort of excuse ;] I've been tired, sick, busy, restricted from posting about certain content, and ultimately lazy in the interim. I think that sums that part up, so I'll get to the catching up.

Okay, so there is an obvious start to all this, at least: I'm finally back in school! Yes, after 3 years of uselessness (and they really were), I'm finally tearing back into education with a vengeance. I'm at UTM, going towards a Specialist in Philosophy and a Minor in English, looking to eventually become a professor myself.

And thus, our tale begins with me belatedly enjoying the epic known as Frosh Week. A play-by-play would be wasteful, as [livejournal.com profile] terminus8 did it with videos, but it can be more easily summarized: I spent a week getting absolutely no sleep and loving every second. Many, many events occurred; new people were met, and old friends were seen again. It was a revitalization of pretty much everything that was dead in me, and it was the first good thing that has happened to me this year. It also knocked me on my ASS, hence why I did not update that week nor the weekend afterwards.

But what about the week afterwards? Well, that was my first week back in the education system! This included the joys of not getting my OSAP, not getting my books, and other such joys ;] Really though, I had a great beginning. My classes are pretty good all around: Intro to Philosophy is obviously up my alley, Astronomy isn't bad and the prof wears a bow tie, Narrative is good and new to me, and Computer Science... well, there had to be one bad apple. But hey, it's an intro half-credit to complete requirements for science. So what if the prof didn't know what an MP3 was, or even the course material? No big deal, right?

So, as school gets into a groove, I am immediately beset with another time-consumer. What now? Well, [livejournal.com profile] citizen_angel also happens to attend UTM and is brutally over-involved in all aspects of running things, everywhere. (I love you, [livejournal.com profile] citizen_angel, but you know I'm right ;] ) As such, he managed to convince me to run for UTM Student Union First Year Representative. And by "managed to convince me", I mean he's been poking me about it since mid last year. If I didn't go out for it, he'd destroy me.

So why did I not take the time to post about this event? Well, because if I did I could have been fined/disqualified. See, these elections have rules about online content, and all such content needs to be authorized, etc. Given my time constraints anyway, I didn't feel like having an LJ entry "verified", so I decided to just wait until elections were over.

So I spent the meantime campaigning with awesome posters and flyers, featuring this new picture of me taken expressly for this purpose. It's the first full shot of me that didn't look terrible taken in ages, so I'm keeping it around. It is black and white, but that was because I was too cheap to get colour printing, and I wanted it to look right that way. I also spoke in a few classes, which got me introduced to a few hundred new people VERY quickly.

Results came back last Friday; I got in! Success and victory for all, let the trumpets sound! The first meeting is Wednesday (tomorrow to me, but technically today), and then I get to find out all the fun stuff I can lose time to ;]

So after elections were done, why did I not post? Well... Friday night, 10:30pm, I get a phone call from an old friend, Lowry. He informs me that another friend from our old group is back in town, and there was goings afoot. Now, I was tired and sick by this point, so I was slightly surprised when I noticed I was leaving the house. I had planned to spend the weekend sleeping and playing FFVII, but it seemed that the old group getting together brought out a conditioned response. As such, I was out for a night of gaming and drinking (an addition to an old tradition). This new addition caused our guest of honour (Rama from Woodlands) to toss cookies, but even that did not dampen anyone's spirits. (Note: Super Smash Bros. is goddamned hard when against three practiced Asians. It's fucking IMPOSSIBLE when in the same scenario after a fair bit of vodka and some Guinness.)

Now, that night lasted until some ungodly hour in the morning, at which point we all crashed there. I headed home the next day for a dentist appointment at 1:30, but people were still going when I got out AND let the freezing wear off (damned fillings), so I headed back ;] After things wound down at 9pm, Lowry and I ended up seeing Crank before finally heading to our homes at stupid o'clock in the morning.

Unsurprisingly, I woke up Sunday sick to all goddamned hell. As of now, I'm not really all better, but I'm not as dead as I was before. Since this was my first lucid moment in over a month, I thought I should sneak in a post before LJ declares me officially deceased and orders an autopsy.

And so, that was September. How's everyone else been?

Current Mood: [mood icon] sick

(13 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

August 16th, 2006
06:37 pm - Voice Post:

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(3 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

06:28 pm - Mobile Post #4

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# of steps: 34556 - Est. distance travelled: 22.46 Km - Time: 7:30 exactly --- SUCCESS!

(4 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

August 15th, 2006
09:15 pm - T-Minus 25 Hours and counting...

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Today was a big day.

First off, we got Griffin. Griffin is a black-ish mutt of a neurotic dog who is also the newest addition to our family. Pictures will come in time; he's awfully camera shy at this point. Among every other kind of shy. He's cute, though ;]

Also, our old damaged iMac G4 was finally replaced... by a new, top of the line Intel iMac. We upped the RAM to 1GB, and now all is more than well. So now we have two Intel computers, and my laptop is the worst computer in the house. I don't know how this happened, and I don't like it ;/ (To appease myself, I'm going to install Boot Camp on the new one; Scott's not home a lot, so I will use it to play Windows games now and then. I just need to bother to get a working copy of Windows first.)

And finally, tomorrow is THE WALK. I have everything ready; all I need to do now is get to bloody sleep. I leave for the 9:28AM bus, and will arrive at SQ1 by 10:11AM. And then... it begins.

I plan to make a voicepost or two tomorrow, long distance be damned. Pictures and a total entry will follow afterwards, as well as hopefully some pictures of Griffin.

Wish me luck!

Current Mood: [mood icon] excited

(6 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

August 4th, 2006
02:16 am - It Begins Again...

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The countdown has begun.

August 14th, 2006.

10:00 AM EDT.

From Square One...

...To the CN Tower...

...on foot.


Yes, it's that time again! The 2nd annual Toronto Walk is gearing up!

For those unclear as to what the hell I'm talking about, the entries in these memories will show you last years developments. But to summarize...

[livejournal.com profile] terminus8 & I will be walking from Square One to the CN Tower, an estimated distance of 26km. We take Bloor Street all the way into Toronto, south on Spadina, east on Front, and right up to the base of the Tower itself.

Why? Because. We personally like the grand feeling of accomplishment at doing something beyond what we'd normally expect ourselves to be capable of. This year, the challenge is remembering the impressive pain and doing it again, knowing what we know now ;]

And for those in the Mississauga area, we are once again offering any and all willing to join us! Rumour has it that [livejournal.com profile] myechidnamantra ([livejournal.com profile] terminus8's lady friend, for those who don't know) will be joining us already. Any who wish to join need only let us know, and meet us at Square One for 10am on the 14th. If anyone is interested, we'll also have suggestions as to what to pack for the trip. I'll be posting my list soon enough ;]

(We also have the 16th as a tentative rain date, which we will look at when the time approaches.)

Any questions (like the precise path; Google Maps isn't as cooperative this year, so I'll be printing manual maps from Google Earth), beratings, comments of support (or otherwise)? Drop a line.

Toronto Trek 2006 is underway! ;]

Current Mood: [mood icon] pumped

(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 28th, 2006
03:08 am - Once Upon A Time...

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By this point, some of you may not want to read anymore of this kind of stuff. )

One thing I realized is something that was growing on me recently... I can't go back into the Woodlands now. Not for a long, long time. For any there, I apologize that I won't be there for your shows. I wish you the very best; you know you have my unending support. But it will be many years before I can go back in there. Right now, it's just a reminder of what has been lost, and I don't want that to be how it ends up in my mind forever. I need time to heal, to see things differently, and to really be able to remember again with all the detail that made it mean something. I don't know when that will be, but it's not now.

Goodbye Woodlands... you know I'll miss you, and everything you meant.

Hell... I already do.

(13 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 26th, 2006
07:00 pm - A Favour

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I have been asked by Chrissy Bussey's family to post this here for people to be able to read. It's a letter, to us, from her father Mr. Robert Bussey.

If someone could let Adit, Danielle Ramdin, & Sarah Birmingham know this is here, I would be grateful. I believe anyone else knows how to find this.

His email is included at the end, and I have given him the URL to this entry to look at as well.

I know perfectly well that we're all still thinking about her; may at least some of that thought go towards her family to try and make things even just a bit better.

Read more... )

(6 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 23rd, 2006
10:37 pm - I AM RETURNZ0R

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I'm baa-aack!

A week of fun, sun, water, and [livejournal.com profile] torricus has done me very well. I feel about 200% better than I have for the past while; I needed this more than I had thought.

Since I know most people likely aren't interested in my detailed trip itinerary, I'll summarize before the cut:

<colesnotes>
There was much waterskiing for all ([livejournal.com profile] torricus tried, too), a LOT of watertubing, some hiking, some tanning (and a bit of burning, but nothing too bad), biking, canoeing, candy, campfires, vodka, and general enjoyment. HOWEVER, the fabled outdoor hot tub was shut down due to new useless government regulations. Apparently they're being appealed, so hopefully it'll be back soon.
</colesnotes>


Itinerary! )

I've been catching up on LJ and such since 7PM, and now it's 10:30PM. I'm actually totally exhausted, but I'm also totally up to date. And with that, I'm done.

One thing; my bed is more comfortable than I remember ;]

Current Mood: [mood icon] satisfied

(7 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 14th, 2006
07:31 pm - AFK; BRB

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I will be departing on the 16th, returning on the 23rd to the place I love known as Sandy Lane,

When I return, I will hopefully be a bit more tanned, a bit more fit, a lot more tired, and generally more pleasant to be around ;] A good few days of beach, sun, swimming, hottubbing, waterskiing, and tubing generally does me well. This year, [livejournal.com profile] torricus will be joining me as well, which is also +5 Awesome in itself.

So if anything interesting happens next week, email me or leave a comment or something. I'll be sure to catch up on things as much as I can when I return. If anyone needs anything before I leave (doubtful), you have a bit more than a day to let me know ;]

Current Mood: [mood icon] pleased

(10 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

July 10th, 2006
02:28 am - What Happened To My Face?

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I keep meaning to update, but I keep getting distracted by my own thoughts, and then I don't make an entry ;/ It's wholly unproductive.

I've really not been doing much; I did sign up for classes, a process made 400% more complicated by my own idiocy. I refuse to get into what happened, but suffice it to say that what should have taken no more than 20 minutes ended up taking over 2 hours, and it was so my own fault that it's not funny ;/ However, it's done and I'm actually happy with the result, which is amazing considering how poorly I went at it. Now I just have to magically create money to get in ;/

I've been doing more introspection than is normal for even me recently; I think it's been doing me some good. I feel more at home in myself than I have in... a while.

...which is why I shocked the hell out of myself recently when I got a good look at myself in the mirror. Usually, when I'm looking at myself in a mirror, my glasses are off because I've just come out of the shower. Without my glasses, I am a fleshblob. I see no details. It seems I haven't taken a good look at myself since high school, because I happen to really look at myself in the rearview mirror during a long drive, and I was honestly shocked because I didn't recognize myself.

It would seem I have been filling in the fine details by memory and photographs; I wonder what it says about my nostalgia habits if I've been using 5 year old photographs as mirrors ;/ I expected to look like I did back in the day; now, I have a chin and facial hair that won't fucking stop growing. I had shaved that morning, and already had 5 o'clock shadow. It was noon. WTF?

It's funny, because it's not like "I don't know myself, man!" because I know my insides very well. When I looked in the mirror, I still have the same eyes. But the physical parts? Totally new to me. I tried to take a picture, but they all came out stinking of Internet Disease. As such, I remain faceless on the internet in any viable manner (I still have an old picture or two hanging around somewhere, but since I don't look like that anymore, it's not worth digging up).

The next time I get a good picture, I'll stick it up here. Of course, I expect that the next head-on picture I have taken will be my University grad shots, so I'm not exactly anxious ;/

EDIT: I saw the biggest bloody rainbow in my life that same car ride in which I realized I didn't recognize myself. I told myself I would make a note of it in an LJ entry so I wouldn't forget. This is that note.

(24 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

June 12th, 2006
12:38 am - Thinking Again

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I don't know half of the people I like and care about the most nearly as much as I'd like to, and what's harder is realizing I probably won't, because most of these people would technically be "acquaintances", even though I'd disagree with the term.

Most of my life is influenced greatly by people I don't talk to with any frequency or depth. That's always been a common thread with me, but it's intensified with those few that I know are exactly the kind of people I'd like the most, but circumstances simply don't lead to real interaction. I know they will live their lives and I will live mine, and never the 'twain shall meaningfully meet. It's a bittersweet sadness: I know that these people will turn out more than fine, and I really don't have anything to offer them; they don't need what I have. But it doesn't change that I wish there was more I could do for them.

I want to help a lot of people that don't need helping, most of which don't and probably won't realize that the offer is open, even if stated, because people always claim they'll be there if needed, and it's sullied the statement.

I'm slowly realizing that, now that I'm getting back to a place where I can help people again, the exact type of people I want to help don't need it. But I want it to be noted: if help is ever wanted, not necessarily needed, let me know. Too many people have done me too much good without knowing it; I'd like to give back a little.

Current Mood: [mood icon] thoughtful

(3 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

June 10th, 2006
01:43 am - 8035 Days And Counting...

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As of 9:30 AM 6/9/06, I officially marked 22 consecutive years of existence.

22 is an odd age... At 16, you can drive; 18, you can drink; 21, you can smoke. But 22 means nothing that way; the doors are open. It's just the first year of the rest of your life.

No pressure, of course ;]

Yet, despite the lack of additional privileges or whatnot, this is also the first birthday in which I have actually felt older. And this is not a negative thing; I've never feared getting older. And it's not like I woke up today and thought, "Wow, I'm old now". Rather, today felt like the period on a year-long sentence:

"I feel older."

I can ever so faintly recall myself this time last year, and I know (not think, but know) that I was not even close to the person I am today. This year... this year has had more events of significance in it than any other I can recall. I'm not going to list, because I will remember them anyway and no-one else needs to read a run-down, but rest assured that this year has aged me more than any other.

So many things are slowly beginning to make sense... so many of those questions I'd assumed I'd understand with age are starting to come together. I've always been a shameless nostalgic, but those memories are starting to mean something in a much greater sense now; I'm starting to realize the significance of the smallest things.

But what is surprising me the most, as I look back at the events that really made me who I am... and I realize that, on some level, I knew it at the time. I have a fairly poor memory... but when I look back on what I believe to be important moments, I find that I can find some memento of that time stashed somewhere; I can remember a feeling unlike anything else. Only now do I recognize that the feeling was me getting a glimpse at my own future changing; such a huge thing that I could never have known at the time. And I know that I must be doing that now; I will look back in time and see how I changed my life bit by bit without noticing, but somehow knowing.

There are so many feelings I didn't understand at the time; so many events whose significance was lost due to inexperience and naiveté. Frankly, I find it amazing that I made it this far with so few horrible errors ;] It kills me to look back and see how many chances I just couldn't see, but I am still close enough to those times to remember that I couldn't have seen them; I was seeing things from a totally different viewpoint than I see them now.

I think that's the key to being older; when you can draw a line in your memories and call something beyond it "youth". I know that line will move, and I know that right now, I'm still right on that edge ;] I'm no old man yet, even if I do have a cane, back, knees, and mindset that speak otherwise. But I'm starting to see the beginnings of that process, and I know why you're supposed to pursue things to the fullest in your youth; nothing stings more than a lost opportunity. The worst mistakes I ever made are forgotten, but the chances not taken I won't soon forget.

I've done pretty well so far, really. I wouldn't give myself a clean slate, mind you, but I've done a damn good job. It's tempting to beat on myself for past errors, but I know that I did what I felt was right, and that brings a great deal of comfort. The price of that comfort, though, is to learn from it. I always meant well, but that doesn't mean I did well. If I am to accept that at least my heart was in the right place, then I must at least learn from the mistake and get the rest of me in the right place, be it years later or not.

I think I'm finally starting to learn, again.

(EDIT: I actually had a really good birthday, which I realize this does not get across at all ;] I'm a thinker, that's all. Trust me, though; the day was good. I got the New Super Mario Bros. for the DS. That has to be proof right there ;] )

Current Music: The Dead Song - Linear North [Artsfest]

Current Mood: [mood icon] nostalgic

(18 Voices | Sing with the Choir)

May 28th, 2006
12:50 am

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Sidenote: Nicaraguan cigars are TERRIBLE. Do not buy them.

EVER.

Current Mood: [mood icon] nauseated

(3 Voices | Sing with the Choir)